I am really good at making mistakes. Serious. I am really good at saying ugly things, thinking ugly things and more often than I would like to admit, doing ugly things. I’ve been given the title of “Beauty Queen” but the ugly truth is that I am far from it.
Yesterday I said something really ugly that I can’t take back; I made a very rude comment out of frustration. Immediately I was shocked and appalled that I allowed that comment to leave my lips. I wish I could blame this on my ugly human heart and forget about it but the reality is that no matter how hard I try, I will never measure up on my own. After spending the next few hours feeling sick to my stomach and wishing I could take back the rude comment that I had made, I left my house to walk to work. I stuck my Ipod into my ears and let the music play. The song that came on was the classic hymn “The Wonderful Cross”.
When I survey the wondrous cross
On which the Prince of Glory died
My richest gain I count but loss
And pour contempt on all my pride
Yep, just another reminder of how much I need a Saviour. Just another reminder of how I can never measure up on my own. Just another reminder of all my futile attempts to make myself “good”. Just another reason why I am so eternally grateful that God sees something worth redeeming in me. It doesn’t matter what my accomplishments are, how many titles I receive or awards that I am honoured with or magazines and newspapers that I am featured in, the ugly truth is that, without God’s grace, that I so completely do not deserve, I am an ugly human being.
It brings me to meditate again on just how beautiful Christ’s death is for us. When I sit down and think about it, I’m not worth dying for. At least I shouldn’t be. I fall short of what I could be, should be and want to be. I’m an ugly mess. If I am honest, my heart is deceitful and desperately wicked. I have within me the makings of a terrible human being. Yet…amazingly…God sees something worth salvaging in me. He sees something worth redeeming in me. The “Wonderful Cross” reminds me that, although I don’t deserve it, God has gone the distance to prove His unconditional love for me. Love that covers my flaws. Love that is greater than my pride. Love that puts all my accomplishments to shame. Love that sees past my failures. Love that loves me, even in my ugliness.
Wow. Breathless. Awestruck. Amazed. I am so undeserving….and so unable to ever repay.
These last few months I have been experiencing a theme of Grace. AMAZING grace. I don’t understand it, can’t explain it and am left without words to describe it. I truly am amazed by grace. It is a mystery that I am unable to solve…but speechless, I accept. Choosing not to wallow in the pit of my ugliness but rather, to trade my ugliness into something of real beauty. Beauty that I cannot take credit for or even closely aspire to be. Beauty that dwarfs me. And yet, beauty that welcomes me in.
Grace is beautiful. I hope that you are coming to or have come to the same conclusion. I hope that you choose to accept and experience the wonder of amazing grace. No one is perfect, we all know that. The human condition applies to all of us. But the beautiful hope in grace can apply to all of us too. I pray that you will experience the beautiful transformation that comes from grace… and the wonderful Cross.
Tara Teng 
Love love love this!had to share it on my fbook:)
i had been to toronto for a week and i read a poem in FESTIVAL OF SOUTH ASIAN LITERATURE AND ARTS 2011. it was about you : i had taken your quotes and juxtaposed with indian beayties – sushmita sen and aishwarya rai – and imagined jury’s verdict on who could become miss universe, miss world. you lost your crown just because the cause was unlisted. and it was unlisted just because hindus deny it.
Neerav,
I would love to read your poem. Would you send it to me? There are many people how would rather deny the plight of the Dalits or crisis of modern day slavery. But we press on anyway because freedom and human dignity are worth fighting for.
-Tara